I am on the tube and I am disgusting. Sweat is pouring down my face, I am bright red and shaking. My heart is racing and I swear for a second that it stops...and starts...and stops. My head is screaming and I can't see my hand in front of my face. My jaw is still aching from the tooth that I had extracted this morning and my kidneys ache. My mouth feels like I've been licking sand paper even though I'm considering getting off at the next station because I'm bursting for the toilet. I rumage through my bag for a bottle of water but all that's there is empty chocolate bar wrappers....and my diabetes monitor.... I feel that familiar pang of guilt and wonder if this time I really have gone too far, is this the time I'm going to die? I have been hospitalised 3 times in the last year because of this thing that no one wants to talk about. This eating disorder without a name. I hang onto to this feeling and and promise myself to never forget it because it will be the last time I put myself through this. The Americans call it Diabulimia. I am in acute diabetic ketoacidosis, I know that this is fatal in 10% of all cases and I put myself in this state on purpose. Why would I do this to myself you might ask? I'll give you the same answer that I gave my therapist a year ago. Because I'd rather die than be fat. Then it used to be about the weight. To be honest now I just don't know
I get off the tube and onto the bus. I am so exhausted that I don't feel like I'll make it to the front door. With every step I can feel my heart rate increase and I remember what my doctor said about the imbalance of electrolytes causing a heart attack not in a years time, not in a months time but maybe tommorow and that was last week. I struggle to open my front door I am so weak. Its 7.30pm I throw myself on the bed and driftt off to sleep wondering if I'll wake up.
9pm: I wake up and have to bolt to the toilet and urinate for an abnormally long time as usual. My genitals itch with the thrush that dogs me constantly . I have stomach cramps but they're not from any menstruation issues as I've not had a period for well over a year now. I look in the mirror and see dead eyes, flaky skin and as I run my hands through my hair a big clump comes out in my hand. I go back to bed in the knowledge that I will not have a good nights sleep but rather one that is broken with frequent toilet breaks and if I'm having a really bad day trips to the fridge.
6:30am I have to set my alarm for this time even though I do not have to get out of bed till 8. It takes me this long to summon the will to get up. When I do its back to the toilet again and then straight on the scales. I am 6 pounds (2.5kgs) lighter than I was yesterday. My BMI is 16.5. I am severly underweight yet I look in the mirror and all I see if fat. I know that I am also Body Dismorphic. I have promised myself that today will be different, today will be the day that I stop and I mean it so I do something I've not done for a week. I inject. I vow to look for new ways to beat this. I am going to talk about it, scream about it, get mad, cry and probably fuck up but I am at least going to try.
This Week -
I am pissed off. I have tried to reach out, to speak to other suffers. Apparently noone wants to talk about this eating disorder. I have emailed all the big forums to see if they would set up a Diabulimic board and all of them have said no apart from one that wasn't accepting new members. I have been berated by sufferers of other EDs 'how could you do that - don't you know the damage that you're doing to yourself?.' Hmm pot, kettle, black methinks. Or 'We can not provide that due to the medical nature of your ED' . It reminds me off the last time I was hospitalised and begged my doctor not to discharge me because I couldn't be trusted, his response, 'I'm sorry but we just don't have anywhere to put you.''Well, I see this as an illness , just like any other ED and I think that I and others like me deserve a community where we can support each other in a bid to try an overcome this most serious combination of illnesses and as such I have decided to set up this website. I don't want to suffer in silence anymore and if you've read this and identified with any of it then neither should you so please feel free to email me and post on the boards and hopefully we can educate the ignorant and support each other.